


"why are you doing this?" // “because you left me.”

by Aberial_63



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, Hopeful Ending, catradora au, clary is adora, heavily implied mutual pining, maia is catra, past romantically charged friends to enemies to romantically charged friends again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22949485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aberial_63/pseuds/Aberial_63
Summary: The Horde has spent years trying to conquer the planet, leaving destruction and death in their wake.Clary used to be one of them. She was a loyal soldier until she was kidnapped by rebels who helped her realize the magnitude of the Horde's evil. Soon after, she ran away to join the rebellion in the city of Bright Moon. Maia, her best friend since childhood, stayed behind in the Fright Zone to climb the ranks of the Horde.Now, with the Horde on the edge of defeat, Maia shows up in Bright Moon with an offer to help the rebellion and an explanation of her side of the story.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Maia Roberts
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	"why are you doing this?" // “because you left me.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is basically my hope for the next season of she-ra with a claia spin. Honestly, this fic will probably only make sense if you've watched she-ra, but I needed to get it out of my system. It's been haunting my brain for a long time and I needed it gone. 
> 
> Also, after getting about halfway through this fic, I went on an unintentional break from writing for a few months so it is kind of shit because I'm out of practice. Just a heads up.

“You should just leave,” Clary said, wrapping her arms around her waist. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Clary,” Maia argued. 

“Why do you even want to help us? All you ever do is try to mess with the rebellion. You don’t care about anything but the Horde. Why the sudden change of heart?”

“It’s not a change of heart. Leading the Horde was never what I wanted.”

Clary scoffed and rolled her eyes. Maia fought the urge to fire some snarky retort back at her. She had been defensive with Clary for so long now and it hadn’t done either of them any good. Maia was done being defensive and cold. She was done pushing Clary away.

“Bullshit,” Clary laughed harshly. “Since we were kids, you’ve dreamed of being the one who gets to make the calls and run everything. That’s why you got so upset when I was promoted to Force Captain all those months ago. It was because you wanted the power all to yourself.”

Maia bit her lip and breathed out through her nose. 

“Do you really know so little about me, Clary? After all those years we spent together, do you really think that’s what I wanted?”

.

_“Do you think we’ll ever get out of this place?” Clary asked, staring up at the stars._

_“I don’t know, little red,” Maia replied. “Where would we even go? Our whole lives are here.”_

_She climbed up onto the metal railing to sit beside her best friend. Clary looked so beautiful in the orange glow of the Fright Zone. The reflection of the light off her skin and her red hair made Clary seem like an open flame, brightening everything around her._

_“You’re right. Everything I need is right here,” Clary sighed, glancing over at Maia with a smile on her lips. Maia warmed under her gaze._

_“Exactly. We can stay here forever. We can lead this place together, just the two of us. It may be shitty right now, but we can change that. We’d be unstoppable if we were in charge.”_

_“Oh, absolutely,” Clary chuckled, bumping her shoulder against Maia’s. “Maybe then this place wouldn’t be such a dump.”_

_._

“I never wanted power, Clary. I wanted to be with you. I didn’t like that you became a Force Captain without me because I was afraid that you would go off somewhere I couldn’t follow. All I wanted was to stay with you.”

Clary frowned deeply. Maia knew that look. She’d seen it when Clary used to mull over battle strategy practice problems for hours or when she’d stare at the top of their bunk in silence after talking to Lilith, their caretaker and second-in-command to Horde Leader Valentine. It was a look that meant she was trying to process all the new information before her, trying to decide if there was a logic to erase the troubled feeling deep in her gut. She didn’t trust Maia, and she had plenty of reasons not to, but Maia knew that Clary recognized the truth in her words. She was searching for a reason for Maia to lie, for a tic to give away any deceitful tricks up Maia’s sleeve. But she wouldn’t find anything, no matter how long she searched. Maia was done with lying, done with trying to have the upper hand. She didn’t want to fight anymore. She just wanted the only person she’d ever really loved back. 

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Clary said quietly. “Maia, that doesn’t make any _sense._ If that were true, why didn’t you come with me when I left the Horde to join the rebellion? Why wouldn’t you come with me to Bright Moon?”

Maia flinched. Just remembering that moment made something throb painfully in her chest. 

.

_“How can you stay with them, Maia? How can you stay with the Horde after seeing the destruction they’ve caused?”_

_Maia hated how Clary was looking at her. Like Maia was some alien thing she didn’t recognize. Like Maia repulsed her._

_And yet, she wasn’t going to give in. Clary had chosen some people she barely knew over Maia. She’d forgotten her family, the life they were building together in the Fright Zone, everything. She wanted to run away with the people who had kidnapped her, one of whom was a Bright Moon princess that would never trust Clary. Clary was going to leave Maia behind for_ them. 

_Clary’s eyes were wide and wild, pleading Maia to say something that made sense. They tried to pierce Maia's chest like a dagger and Maia was doing her best to play defense. Maia wouldn’t let them cut through her resolve._

_“At least the Horde knows loyalty, something you clearly fail to grasp. You’re going to ask me how I can stay with the Horde when you’re the one abandoning everything you’ve ever known, everyone who has ever cared about you for people you met yesterday? Are you joking, Clary? Are you really going to pretend that I’m the one in the wrong here?”_

_“It’s the right thing to do, Maia. I can’t stay with the Horde if they’re going to keep destroying innocent villages, killing everything in their path. I know you, Maia. You don’t want this either. Just come with me so we can put an end to this. Together.”_

_Clary reached out for Maia’s hand. Maia almost let her take it in her own. There was nothing she wanted more than to feel their fingers slot together, a reminder that they would always have each other’s back._

_Maia backed away._

_“No, we could have fixed things right where we were. We could have made that choice together, but you went rogue and you left without talking to me. You sided with them before having any faith in me. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”_

_Maia turned and ran._

_._

Maia felt her composure crack.

“Fuck, Clary, I was hurting! You chose them over me! What was I supposed to do? It felt like you’d given up on everything we’d built back home to go follow people you’d only just met. I felt like I meant nothing to you because you were so set on leaving with or without me, like I was replaceable. I couldn’t look at you without thinking that I didn’t matter and that _killed_ me. You were the only person who I ever thought really cared about me and losing that feeling broke my heart, Clary. I didn’t go with you because I would only be forgotten in the midst of your righteous little rebellion.”

“I never would have forgotten you, Maia. How could I?” Clary argued.

“Oh, really?” Maia scoffed. “It seems like you did it just fine. I bet you wouldn’t have spared me another thought if I hadn’t started meddling in your business after you left.”

“Are you kidding?” Clary said breathily. “Maia, you were _all_ I thought about for so long. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You were the one constant in my life since we were kids, the one person I could trust to always be by my side. How do you think I felt when I had to lose that, to lose you? Maia, it was like the ground was crumbling beneath my feet. Every night I thought about how much I missed sleeping with you right beside me and the way we would talk until neither of us could keep our eyes open any longer. I couldn’t fall asleep for weeks because I missed the sound of your voice in the dark. I thought about you when I thought of a joke I knew you’d like and I turned to tell you, but I wouldn’t see you sitting next to me. I thought about you when I was training here in Bright Moon and I remembered all the late nights we spent sparring in the Fright Zone. There hasn’t been a single second that I haven’t missed my best friend since that day. I never forgot you.”

Maia didn’t know how to respond to that. She’d been under the impression that Clary had found something better here, that she’d realized Maia wasn’t good enough to miss. 

Clary took a hesitant step forward. 

“Why are you here, Maia? It can’t be just to bring up the worst day of my life.”

“The worst day of your life?”

“Well, yeah,” Clary murmured, almost shy. “I lost you that day. It couldn’t get any worse than that.”

Maia bit her lip hard. She wouldn’t let the tears come out. She wouldn’t.

“I know the feeling,” Maia admitted, taking her own step closer to Clary.

“So?” Clary pressed gently. “Why?”

“Where do I even start?” Maia sighed shakily. “Everything is falling apart in the Fright Zone. The Horde is just days from crumbling now that Valentine has abandoned us.”

“And you’re just looking to join Bright Moon now that it’s the winning side?”

“No, no. It’s not that, Clary. It’s just— I don’t know. Now that it’s all disappearing, I’m finally realizing how little it meant. Getting control of the Horde, being Force Captain, it meant nothing. It’s all gone now and I have nothing to show for all of those months I spent making my way to the top. All I have to show for it is a destroyed empire and more blood on my hands than I can ever forgive myself for. I pushed away everyone who ever cared about me and now I’m alone and it’s all my fault. Everything that has happened is all my fault because I was so fixated on being the best, on proving I was worth something.”

“It wasn’t all your fault,” Clary interjected. “Lilith and Valentine manipulated you for so long, manipulated both of us. They knew exactly how to push us to do what they wanted. They’re as much to blame, if not more.”

“It’s not an excuse though,” Maia said. “I was still the one who made the decision to stay and help the Horde. I could have said no, I could have run away like you did. But I didn’t. I stayed and I helped the Horde almost destroy the whole world. Sometimes... I wanted it. I wanted to watch the world burn and that’s on no one but myself.”

“You’re right. It’s not an excuse, but it’s an explanation that should make it a little easier to forgive yourself. You don’t still want it, do you?”

Maia shook her head roughly.

“No. God, no. I just want to make things right. That’s why I came here. I want to be someone I recognize again, someone I don’t absolutely despise.”

“Then, you just have to try to make amends. We’ve both made some terrible choices in our lives, but we can’t change the past. All we can do is push forward and try to be better. The future is an opportunity to make all of the choices we wish we could have made sooner.”

Clary held out her hand. Maia couldn’t help but stare at it. It had been so long since Clary had tried to touch her outside of combat. Maia wasn’t sure she could even get herself to take Clary’s hand. When was the last time she’d let herself accept a touch that wasn’t a fist flying at her face? Did she even remember what it felt like to be held anymore?

Maia swallowed painfully, making her muscles obey her and reach out to Clary. It was so contrary to what Maia had forced herself to learn during these past few months— that Clary couldn’t be trusted, that she was the enemy. But what her body and mind were afraid of was exactly what Maia’s heart wanted. She wanted to let herself drown in the feel of the girl she’d never been able to forget. 

The way their fingers curled around one another was so familiar that it rocked Maia’s sense of balance. She felt herself fall in even closer to Clary, her body clicking into the place it belonged, just inches away from her best friend. 

Maybe Clary felt that very same pull. Maybe that’s why as soon as Maia moved into her personal space, she closed it completely. Clary pulled on their clasped hands until they were trapped between their two chests and wrapped her free arm around Maia’s shoulders. And who was Maia to not do the same? She circled Clary’s waist and tugged her as close as she could, letting her face find a home against Clary’s neck.

The tears refused to be contained any longer. Every ounce of longing, of anger, of grief ripped itself from her body in the form of shuddering sobs. Every feeling Maia had tried to smother within her own heart soaked itself into the collar of Clary’s shirt. Maia wasn’t alone in her tears though. Clary’s body was shaking and Maia’s neck was slick with her cries. 

“I’m so sorry,” Maia said between gasping breaths. “I promise I’m going to be better. I know I fucked up big time and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make up for it, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try, Clary. I promise.”

“I’m sorry too,” Clary sniffled. “I’m so sorry, Maia.”

“What could you possibly be sorry for?” Maia asked. “You did the right thing.”

“The right thing? Maia, I hurt the one person that I’ve ever been in lo— I hurt you. How could that ever be the right thing? I shouldn’t have let you go. I should have kept trying to reach you. I let myself believe you were lost forever, that I’d never see my best friend again. I hate myself for giving up on you, for abandoning you. If you stay here in Bright Moon, I promise I’m never going to hurt you like that again.”

Maia pulled back to look at Clary. The redhead was still crying but there was a spark of something in her eyes that Maia hadn’t seen in a long time. Something beautiful. Something warm. Something that Maia thought she’d lost forever. Something she’d never dared give a name to. 

.

_“I’ve got something for you.”_

_Clary’s eyebrow arched suspiciously. She was hunched over her desk with her Horde handbooks spread out in front of her._

_“Is it going to bite me, poison me, or otherwise maim me in any way?”_

_Maia hopped up to sit on Clary’s desk, sliding the handbooks off the edge to make room. Clary rolled her eyes fondly._

_“Who do you think I am, Clary? I would never do something like that.”_

_“Okay, except you absolutely would. Are you forgetting the itching powder you put in my shoes so that you would win during sparring lessons last year?”_

_Maia smirked and patted Clary’s cheek gently._

_“All’s fair in love and war, little red.”_

_“And which one was it then?” Clary challenged playfully, her gaze just barely shifting from Maia’s eyes to Maia’s lips then back again. “Love or war?”_

_Maia felt her heart leap a little in her chest. With the dawn of teenagedom had come a whole mess of new feelings that Maia had never experienced before. Holding hands with Clary was charged in a way it never had been before. Glances lingered a few extra seconds. The idea of best friends had started to blur into something more intense._

_“Maybe a little bit of both,” Maia winked, hoping she was successfully playing it off as her normal teasing self rather than the truth._

_Clary laughed and shoved Maia lightheartedly._

_“Okay, shut up and show me what you got me,” Clary said._

_“So greedy,” Maia purred roguishly, reaching into her back pocket. The paper stowed in there crinkled as she brought it out._

_“What is it?” Clary questioned._

_“I was looking through some of my old things and I found this. You gave it to me on the first day of battle training because I was nervous and you told me this would be my good luck charm. Well, I know you’re taking your combat strategist certification exam tomorrow so I thought you might want some luck.”_

_Maia opened the folded paper to show Clary what was inside. Recognition immediately flashed across Clary’s features._

_It was a crayon drawing of the two of them holding hands. Maia was drawn in red and Clary in orange, each girl illustrated in her favorite color. They wielded huge swords and triumphant smiles. Pink stars and hearts were scribbled in the remaining white space. In messy handwriting above their heads, there was a caption that said, “You’ve got this!!”_

_“Maia,” Clary gasped, gaping at the drawing._

_Feeling suddenly self-conscious, Maia attempted to pull the paper away._

_“If you don’t want it, that’s cool. I can just go throw it away or—”_

_“Don’t you dare,” Clary said, catching the paper between her fingers before Maia could stuff it back in her pocket._

_Maia met Clary’s eyes and was surprised to see tears in them._

_“Clary? What’s wrong?”_

_“Wrong? Oh, Maia, there’s nothing wrong. Quite the opposite actually. I just can’t believe you kept it. It’s been ten years since I gave that to you. It means a lot to me that you still have it.”_

_Maia blushed despite herself._

_“It’s not a big deal,” she grumbled._

_“Well, I think it is. Thank you for giving this to me. I need all of the luck I can get.”_

_“Nah,” Maia said. “You’re too good to need luck, little red. You’ve got this exam in the bag. This is just, like, insurance.”_

_“Well, I appreciate it all the same,” Clary responded softly. She placed a grateful hand on Maia’s leg that was dangling off the edge of the desk. Her palm was so warm through the fabric of Maia’s tactical pants._

_Clary’s eyes glittered green beneath the harsh Fright Zone lighting. Maia would have shrunk away from the emotion in them if the desire to have Clary look at her like that for the rest of her life wasn’t ten times stronger. Maia felt too seen, too vulnerable, too hot under Clary’s stare, but it was addictive_ — _and dangerous. Maia wondered how many bad decisions she would make because of those eyes._

.

Maia blinked the memories out of her eyes. 

“It’s okay, Clary. I understand. I was so mad at you for so long for leaving, but I haven’t exactly made it easy to stick around,” Maia admitted, trying on a small smile and surprising herself when it actually stuck. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been a major asshole lately.”

Clary’s startled laugh was wet but happy in her throat.

“Just lately?” Clary asked, wiping at her stray tears. It was an attempt at levity that didn’t feel natural quite yet, but Maia was glad to see Clary try. They couldn’t go right back to how things used to be, but it was a start.

“Oh, fuck off,” Maia retorted, attempting to push Clary away.

Clary just pulled Maia right back in with their still entwined hands. 

“You know I’m kind of right.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

As they looked at each other and the words faded off into silence, Maia’s smile morphed into a contemplative expression. There was so much she regretted about the past months, but the only thing she could think about in that moment was how much time she’d wasted. If only she’d followed after Clary, they wouldn’t have had to rebuild everything they’d spent almost twenty years making together. There wouldn’t be this distance between them or hurt feelings that lingered despite their most sincere apologies. It would be a long time before that trust would find its way back into their hearts, trust that wouldn’t have been broken if they had just stayed together. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t go with you that day,” Maia whispered. “We could have avoided all of this if I’d just gone with you.”

Clary squeezed her hand.

“Don’t do that. Don’t think about how we could have done things differently. You’ll just drive yourself into a spiral. I know I have. I used to think about what if I hadn’t left so suddenly? What if I’d talked to you about it before? We had no way to know what would happen. It doesn’t help anyone to think like that.”

Maia’s lips twitched upwards slightly.

“You always were so good at pep talks, little red. I’ve missed them… " Maia paused. Her next words felt scary on her tongue, but she had to say them. "I’ve missed _you_.”

Clary’s breath stuttered in her lungs.

“I’ve missed you too, Maia.”

Maia wrapped her arm around Clary again, bringing her in and letting a few more of her wounds stitch back together as Clary’s fingers clutched at her jacket. She breathed her in and tried to settle herself.

“Clary?” she murmured.

“Yeah?”

“Is everything going to be okay one day?”

“I don’t know, but all we can do is try to make things better, right?”

"Yeah, I guess you're right. We'll do this together?"

"Together."

Hope glowed only faintly in Maia’s chest, but at least it was there. She just needed to do what Clary said. She had to make amends and focus on the way forward instead of getting lost in the unchangeability of history. Neither of them could go back in time and fix what they’d done, but they could walk into the future with better intentions and a little more forgiveness than they’d afforded each other, or themselves, recently. 

If they could do that, if they could keep their promises and let themselves heal, they might just make it.


End file.
